he lives in a house with a swimming pool and says the job is killing him. he is 27. I am 44. I can’t seem to get rid of him. his novels keep coming back. “what do you expect me to do?” he screams “go to New York and pump the hands of the publishers?” “no,” I tell him, “but quit your job, go into a small room and do the thing.” “but I need ASSURANCE, I need something to go by, some word, some sign!” “some men did not think that way: Van Gogh, Wagner—” “oh hell, Van Gogh had a brother who gave him paints whenever he needed them!”
“look,” he said, “I’m over at this broad’s house today and this guy walks in. a salesman. you know how they talk. drove up in this new car. talked about his vacation. said he went to Frisco—saw Fidelio up there but forgot who wrote it. now this guy is 54 years old. so I told him: ‘Fidelio is Beethoven’s only opera.’ and then I told him: ‘you’re a jerk!’ ‘whatcha mean?’ he asked. ‘I mean, you’re a jerk, you’re 54 years old and you don’t know anything!’”
“what happened then?” “I walked out.” “you mean you left him there with her?” “yes.”
“I can’t quit my job,” he said. “I always have trouble getting a job. I walk in, they look at me, listen to me talk and they think right away, ah ha! he’s too intelligent for this job, he won’t stay so there’s really no sense in hiring him. now, YOU walk into a place and you don’t have any trouble: you look like an old wino, you look like a guy who needs a job and they look at you and they think: ah ha!: now here’s a guy who really needs work! if we hire him he’ll stay a long time and work HARD!”
“do any of those people,” he asks “know you are a writer, that you write poetry?” “no.” “you never talk about it. not even to me! if I hadn’t seen you in that magazine I’d have never known.” “that’s right.” “still, I’d like to tell these people that you are a writer.” “I’d still like to tell them.” “why?” “well, they talk about you. they think you are just a horseplayer and a drunk.” “I am both of those.” “well, they talk about you. you have odd ways. you travel alone. I’m the only friend you have.” “yes.” “they talk you down. I’d like to defend you. I’d like to tell them you write poetry.” “leave it alone. I work here like they do. we’re all the same.” “well, I’d like to do it for myself then. I want them to know why I travel with you. I speak 7 languages, I know my music—” “forget it.” “all right, I’ll respect your wishes. but there’s something else—” “what?” “I’ve been thinking about getting a piano. but then I’ve been thinking about getting a violin too but I can’t make up my mind!” “buy a piano.” “you think so?” “yes.”
he walks away thinking about it.
I was thinking about it too: I figure he can always come over with his violin and more sad music.
The poetry is a conversation between two friends, the poet & a young man who seems to be stuck in the ‘Rat Race’ n consumerism (He lives in a home with a swimming pool). The poet lives his life the way he wants (he writes poetry but doesn’t want to publicize his passion for the praise of others, he does it for the joy it brings him) n the other guy also wants to do the same, he means to do the same but he can’t get un-stuck. He somehow keeps justifying his choices. Now this is very, very interesting, people who live their life according to the pre-made script of the society always have their reasons to remain stuck in their misery. They keep cracking Monday morning jokes but can’t break away from work-consumerism-impressing others-more work-more misery cycle. The friend though seeking advice from the narrator to quit his work doesn’t miss the chance to brag about his supposed superiority. He is definitely self deluded …no wonder he’s confused & can’t find the courage to do what he really wants. If we look around us, the majiority of the masses are tortured like our tortured friend Peter. The last lines are so powerful, they give me goosebumps, even if our friend Peter gets a violin/piano as he has been planning for a long long time, he’ll only play sad music on it. Joy is not possible till he is stuck in his current mindset.
Thanks for the shout-out, Ritu! It’s much appreciated 😉
Also, the timing of you finding me and linking back here is uncanny: I am about 90% done by first collection of short stories, and I want to self-publish next month. But yesterday, I had an AWFUL crisis of confidence. I mean, the worst I have ever had. I was asking myself WHY I want to write, since I am clearly the worst writer in the history of writers on this earth. I was tempted to just delete my whole book, and go back to my ‘safe’ life plans of 9-5.
Today, I’m back to myself (mostly), and I know that writing is what I am meant to do. But boy – was yesterday ever rough. Your blog post – and the links you’ve provided – are just what I need right now, to put my fully back on track. So, thank you!
Hi Michelle…What you said is so tremendous n overwhelming that it took a while for me to get my bearings back :-)…I’m sooo happy that you are back to your normal sassy self ‘cos we won’t be happy with anything else…I have a feeling that we would have a lot to say to each other…& CONGRATULATIONS for the book 🙂
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michelle replied:
Thanks for the shout-out, Ritu! It’s much appreciated 😉
Also, the timing of you finding me and linking back here is uncanny: I am about 90% done by first collection of short stories, and I want to self-publish next month. But yesterday, I had an AWFUL crisis of confidence. I mean, the worst I have ever had. I was asking myself WHY I want to write, since I am clearly the worst writer in the history of writers on this earth. I was tempted to just delete my whole book, and go back to my ‘safe’ life plans of 9-5.
Today, I’m back to myself (mostly), and I know that writing is what I am meant to do. But boy – was yesterday ever rough. Your blog post – and the links you’ve provided – are just what I need right now, to put my fully back on track. So, thank you!
February 20, 2013 at 7:13 am. Permalink.
ritusthoughtcatcher replied:
Hi Michelle…What you said is so tremendous n overwhelming that it took a while for me to get my bearings back :-)…I’m sooo happy that you are back to your normal sassy self ‘cos we won’t be happy with anything else…I have a feeling that we would have a lot to say to each other…& CONGRATULATIONS for the book 🙂
February 20, 2013 at 7:49 am. Permalink.